Instead, I would like to proclaim my allegiance to the Democratic Party, and how it was almost toppled by the Democratic Party. That’s right. I almost defected to the Republicans this time around, and it’s all because of those stupid Pennsylvania Democratic Party telemarketers, who managed to call my home five, count ‘em, five times in the past three days, dedicated to reminding me not to forget to vote.

Jerks.

As if it weren’t bad enought that they called more than once, but after the third time I felt like either my name was plastered on a wall in some telemarketing office with the headline "Attention Everyone! Call this guy first... just to warm up," or they accidentally gave the same list to five different telemarketers and there’s a group of us on the receiving end feeling unfairly harassed.

So the first phone call was by a "newbie". That’s a person who isn’t quite sure of themselves. Now, being a nice Democrat, I listened to her message urging me to vote, and tried to make it a pleasant experience for her. At the end she asked me if I had any questions, and I couldn’t bring myself to make her dig through a pile of literature, voice cracking from nerves, just to answer to one of my wise-ass questions.

When the second telemarketer called, I politely interrupted her and said that I got this very same call just the day before, and I appreciated their effort, but could she please add me to their "Do Not Call" list, as I was definitely planning to vote. She became short with me, in a nice way, and said "sure, thank you", and hung up.

I don’t think she added me to the list.

I want the the third telemarketer, if she’s reading this note, to call me first thing tomorrow, I have a high-paying, all-benefits incuded job for her. She was the most determined telemarketer I have ever heard. As soon as I realized it was "the Pennsylvania Democratic Party" calling, I tried to interrupt her, but couldn’t. Really. She wouldn’t stop talking. I know it wasn’t a recording because she slowed down when I started calling her names. But she didn’t stop. She finished her script. Now, what amazes me is that I stayed on the phone the entire time, trying to make her stop. It was very weird. But she does get the persistence award, undoubtably.

The fourth telemarketer wasn’t so lucky.

As soon as this guy started the "This is the Pennsylvania Democratic Party urging you to vote..." speech, I screamed at the top of my lungs into the phone "I told you people to take me off your damn list, so now I’m going to vote for George Bush just to spite your mind-control efforts. Jerks!" And I slammed the phone down right away.

I showed him.

And I didn’t even feel bad. (I do now, but with a sigh of triumph anyway.)

I will have to credit the Democratic Party, and this is the reason that I am still supporting them. You see, when I yelled at this fourth guy, it must have finally gotten through, because later that day, Monday, Al Gore actually called to ask me to reconsider voting for him! Really. I didn’t take the call, but my wife assures me that it was Al Gore. (She may have mumbled something about a recording, but I don’t believe it.) I can’t. I have to believe that my party cares about me as an individual, and that they value my vote enough to have Al drop everything and call me directly.

Wouldn’t you?

Nah! Me neither.

So, now I have to find out who to file that "telemarketer abuse" claim with and make them pay! That’s right, I’m not letting this one go. Any party, Democratic, Republican, or After-Hours, that calls me at 11:00am on a Sunday morning deserves to pay me, what is it $500 for abusing telemarketing laws? Heck, I’ll even split the kitty with whatever lawyer is willing to help me pursue this one.

I can hear Todd Shill saying "that Scot, he’s such a Larry Flynt!" That’s right Todd, and I have plenty of ripe fruit in my suit pockets too when I catch up with those ruthless telemarketers.

And in other news... well, you can read all about it.