Pets. Their population numbers in the tens of millions. Despite Mr. Bob Barker’s pleas to "have your pets spayed and neutered!" they proliferate. People the world over have the need to domesticate, and pets are the result of this power trip. Humans command the lives of hundreds of creatures. We rule their existence, affect their environment, plan their days, choose their food, control their reproduction (is there a political parallel here?), and demand their obedience. Sounds like a tough life, doesn’t it?

Hardly. Although many creatures suffer unspeakable atrocities, quite a few pets in America are living high on the hog. Though we humans are the gods of domestication and dominance, we also worship our pets.

Forget about those poor starving children in third world countries. America’s pets rule! America alone spends 11 billion dollars annually on pets. In the grand scheme of things this number seems horribly out of proportion. Truly the USA is home to some hard core pet owners.

What exactly qualifies one as a hard-core pet owner?

The answer lies in how the following three questions are answered: What will an owner do to make their pet happy? What over-the-top care will the pet owner partake in? How does the pet owner react o a sick or dying pet?

What Have You Done For Me Lately?

Hunter is a Chesapeake Bay Retriever. He is mowing down a pile of doggie treats and loving every minute of it. His owner, Kyle, doesn’t mind spending a few bucks a week to treat Hunter, not to mention practice some preventive dentistry. Kyle admits he adds table scraps to Hunter’s dish and occasionally cooks him a hamburger on the grill, but that is the extent of Hunter’s indulgences. Kyle buys him "regular" dog chow, which means he purchases it from the local grocery store. His collar is everyday blue nylon. He takes Hunter to the vet for the bare necessities, makes sure to exercise him, and gives him as much attention he can muster. Hunter appears quite happy. He knows his place. He is a dog, Kyle is the master.

Misty is a Pomeranian. She is perched on the arm of Millie, her retirement age owner. Millie is in fact retired, and she is also a widow. Many people carry their small dogs around, but Millie is at the local farmer’s market, where most dogs cannot venture. What is striking about Misty is her appearance. Misty is an "apricot" color (faded pinkies orange would best describe it) and not a hair on her body is out of place. Nary a single tangle, Misty is sporting a hairbow and resembles a pastel cotton puff. Her snout is clean and she has pink nail polish on her claws. Really. Millie claims that Misty has a special bed of her own, but often sleeps on Millie’s pillow. The trip to the farmer’s market is not for Millie, but actually for some specially ground beef and pork just for Misty. Misty’s favorite food is mashed potatoes, which Millie makes for her about once or twice a week. By hand, from scratch.

Who is the hard core pet owner? If you guessed Millie, you’re a genius.

Other silly indulgences that Hard core pet owners partake in:

Pet clothing: There are actually designers lines of clothes for many type of pets.

Jewel studded collars and collars with spikes: What is the point?

Pet massage: Baffling. To think a pet owner might actually forgo their own opportunity to have a massage.

You Have To Do What for Your Pet?

Roxie the cat is a pretty calico. She is calm, a little shy, but friendly if you are a cat person. As often as possible Rick and Allison will whip out the cat comb and spend a good half hour grooming Roxie, who purrs so loud she can be heard across the room. Though not a long hair, these sessions often create enough hair to start another cat. The grooming time ends with a trimming of Roxie’s nails, so she will leave the living room furniture alone. That is the extent of Roxie’s extra curricular care.

Meet Roxanne the English Bulldog. Her story is quite different. Not all experiences are bad, but a person must require a special love of dogs to take on this evolutionary nightmare. Bulldogs of long ago did not look like their modern counter parts. No, distinct breeding practices have shaped the poor creature into the just-ran-head-on-into-a-Mack truck look we all know and love. For starters, many breeders charge as much as $1200.00 for a good bloodline. An interesting fact: most bulldogs puppies are delivered by C-section. Their heads have been bred too large for the birth canal. Hence the high price tag. In order to appease her voracious desire to chew, Roxanne needs several huge rawhide chew bones to gnaw on. On the average, it only takes Roxanne a couple of days the undo the knot in a large bone. Every other week or so (or sooner if Roxanne has gotten into some kind of mess) her tight facial wrinkles need to be cleaned out with q-tips dipped in an anti -bacterial solution. Failure to do so will result in some stinky wrinkles. Every few months Roxanne will take to dragging her butt across the carpet in a frenzy. That is a sure sign that her anal sacks are inflamed! And what can be done to alleviate Roxanne’s discomfort? The noxious fluid filling those sacs need to be drained. Manually.

Who is the hard-core pet owner here? No contest. The pain in the anal sacs award goes to the bulldog owner.

Some other pets that are a pain:

Parrots, large: The average parrot has the intelligence and the appetite of a three year old. Aside from those facts and the large amount of room they take up, parrots need special attention paid to their feathers. If a parrot has no partner to help groom his feathers, the parrot owner must dig under the parrots feathers, and squeeze the base of the feather in order to remove dead "skin" from the shaft. Yuck. This is not an absolute requirement for all large birds, but their hard core owners will do it. Another interesting, if not disgusting fact: a parrot that has bonded to its owner will regurgitate food for him. Parrot owners say this is an honor. Whatever!

Ferrets: Also known as weasels. These critters have quite the strong odor even after they have been descented. A common ailment among ferrets is adrenal disease. The adrenal gland in ferrets (like in humans) produce certain sex hormones as well as secretions needed for food metabolism and muscle maintenance. If the disease goes untreated, ferrets will lose hair, loose muscle mass, and have little energy. To treat, a ferret owner can spend hundreds of dollars on hormone medication, and surgery to reduce or remove tumors related to this disease. Yeah, right!

Pot Belly Pigs: Oink! Requiring more care than the parrot and really close to the equivalent of a human child in intelligence, pigs require a frightening amount of vaccinations. They are subject to a vast range of diseases that are communicable to the pig owner. Can you say, anthrax?

Should I Stay or Should I Go Now?

Pets get sick, just like people. In the wild, animals in their natural environment are weeded out by survival of fittest. If it’s sick, it ain’t fit. Stricken by a case of antropomorititis, people lavish pets with the best of medical care, often equaling the care given to their own children.

And how much money do these vets think people have to spend on our pets? Apparently plenty. Vets today can offer almost all the same technology that we humans enjoy in our health care field. Take some of the services offered right here in the Harrisburg area: Orthodontics, opthamology, echocardiography, endodontics (?), orthopedic surgery, neurological surgery, ultrasound, even artificial insemination! It makes one wonder: do pets really need all this technology? How busy are veterinarians?

"Degenerative hip disease is very common these days. Many breeds are susceptible to it, and are in need of full hip replacement. That surgery costs about $2,400 and we average four a month." So states Dr. Calvin Clements, DVM, at Colonial Park Animal Clinic. In addition to the full schedule daily of routine check ups and vaccinations, general surgery is an everyday occurrence. These procedures require blood work or biopsies ($50), ultrasound ($200), and sometimes exploratory surgery ($500). If a pet is very ill and requires hospitalization and chemotherapy, costs can run into the thousands of dollars.

How often do pet owners spend that kind of money?

According to Dr. Clement and some other area vets, quite often. How do people manage these kinds of costs? Dr. Clements explains that when cost of care begins to escalate, his clinic will inform their clients about pet care insurance. A Gold policy (which is like the premium HMO for pets) runs about $175 per year and works like a standard 80/20 policy for humans. The owner pays the bill, fills out some paperwork, then submits it for reimbursement. Sounds a bit costly, but it turns the $2400 hip replacement into
a $700 procedure.

Still, two months worth of groceries for a small family.

For those people not willing or able to pay the insurance, explains Dr. Clements, there is a service called Credit Care, which in short means: "Fido gets a credit card. The terms are pretty liberal. If you have a job and decent credit, you can usually qualify." Dr. Clements went on to explain that his clinic does not actually offer these services, but has the information available to his clients.

Where does a vet draw the line on procedures to prolong a pets life? Dr.Clements did not feel that there was a line to be drawn. "There are so many situations where people have to spend a lot of money to help a pet. It is not our job to make the choice for them. Our job is to carefully explain what the problem is, what procedure is necessary, and what the expected outcome should be. Ultimately, the decision is theirs." Did the reverse ever happen, where a pet had a manageable problem, but one that would cost more than the pet owner was willing to spend. "Yes, this happens all the time. We will have a pet with a serious but completely treatable condition. Treatment will restore the animal to a decent quality of life, but it will take a large sum of money. The pet owner is unable or unwilling to spend that kind of money, and they ask that the pet be put down. It is the part of the job that I dislike the most, but we have to respect the wishes of the client." Dr. Clement adds that some people were never meant to be pet owners. They often get a cute little animal that they are unwilling to take responsibility for, or invest time into training and practicing preventive healthcare. These pets end up "wasted" and put to sleep out of inconvenience. "It seems harsh to say, but I can often tell what kind of parents some pet owners will be." Is their respite for these "wasted" pets or pets that need extra care? "Unfortunately, foundations such as the Helen Krause Foundation will care for these pets, but most of the time they have no room. These options are still always presented to the client."

Dr. Clements believes that spending money on your pets is an individual thing. Many people are lonely and love their pets like their own children, and, like parents, would do anything in their power to help them. Others are more practical minded, and wouldn’t dream of getting into the thousand dollar range.

Loneliness certainly plays a big part of how a pet is cared for. Nearly every advertisement in the phone book prominently displays a Senior citizen discount symbol. Certainly, not all seniors are lonely. But it is no secret that this demographic group tends to dote on their pets. Hello Millie, are you reading this?

The ultimate hard-core pet owner award goes to a millionaire in California. Having had the company of his faithful mixed breed dog for almost fourteen years, Mr. Millionaire was devastated when the dog developed cancer. No expense was spared, but the dog died anyway. Mr Millionaire will soon be one of the first people to immortalize their pet by cloning its genes. For a mere $700 a grieving pet owner can obtain a tissue retrieval kit. Only certified vets can sign off on this tissue retrieval. Once the sample is taken, it is sent to the lab on put in dry ice storage. There it will stay (for a fee of only $10 per month) until the time to clone pets become available.