One of my favorite Simpsons episodes is when Homer gets a job catching cannonballs with his belly for the Hullabalooza Festival (a jab at the Jim Rose Sideshow Circus that accompanied the Lollapalooza Tour in 1992). While cameos from Sonic Youth, Smashing Pumpkins, and Peter Frampton made the show memorable, the most telling statement about concerts and the concert industry in general occurs during a conversation between Montgomery Burns and Waylon Smithers when the Hullabalooza Festival comes to Springfield.

Burns laughingly states, "And to think, Smithers, you laughed when I bought Ticketmaster. ‘Nobody’s going to pay a 100 percent service charge.’"

To which Smithers replies, "Well, it’s a policy that ensures a healthy mix of the rich and the ignorant, sir."

Never has a bigger truth been spoken.

While the service charge on Ticketmaster has yet to reach 100 percent, it is not as laughable a statement as it once was. Weaving one’s way through the Ticketmaster fees — handling fees, service fees, shipping fees, hassles-for-calling-us-anyway fees — is the equivalent of dancing in a minefield. However, can you really fault a company for making a profit if people are willing to shell out anywhere from $8 – 25 a ticket over and above the face value of a ticket?

And while Ticketmaster might seem like an easy target simply because they are the only game in many markets, the bigger issue concerning ticket prices lies directly with the price of the ticket itself. A savvy ticket buyer can avoid the Ticketmaster charges by calling venue directly or purchasing tickets at the venue box office. (Yes, there are still service fees, but they range from about $1 to $3 a ticket at most venues.)

But the phenomenon of people shelling out huge sums of money for concerts is stupefying. People love to bitch about the prices, yet they line up for tickets and continue lining the pockets of ticket companies, promoters, bands, and venue owners with cash.

The monetary stakes move into the stratosphere several summers ago when The Eagles reunited selling their cheapest tickets for $50 with premium seats going for as high $175 or $200. That’s face value, folks; we are not talking scalper prices here.

From that day forward, the money grab was on, and all of a sudden $30 for a general admission lawn seat seemed like a good buy.

In 1999 the top 20 tours combined grossed more than $680 million dollars. The list reads like a Rock and Roll Hall of Fame calling card (Rolling Stones, Bruce Springsteen, Elton John, Bob Dylan, Paul Simon, Tom Petty, Rod Stewart, Billy Joel, just to name a few), but what about someone like Cher making $37.1 million or Bette Midler pulling down $31.7 million. Hell, I didn’t even know they made records, let alone went out on tour.

While concert promoters argue that concert prices have been undervalued for years comparing music performances to Broadway productions, I have to take exception to that rule. While I have never been to a Broadway show, I am confident that people are not puking in the aisles or standing through the entire performance annoying everyone sitting around them. Not that issues such a comfort and safety should determine a ticket price, but there is something to be said about a concert environment.

Last summer, I saw four shows — Bruce Springsteen, Roger Waters, R.E.M., and Tom Waits. The ticket prices ranged from $82 (Springsteen) to $42 (Waters), and truth be told, I had no problem with the Springsteen cost given that he hadn’t toured with the E Street Band in over a decade and that he played for nearly three hours. Waters was another story. Four idiots in front of us were so drunk they were falling over each other, screaming all the lyrics and literally annoying 25 to 50 people sitting around them. It was so bad that we left our 25th row seats and stood in the back to avoid the dickheads.

This summer, Hersheypark is stepping up with their strongest lineup in years — and the prices to prove it. (However, if you want to experience some real sticker shock, go check out the prices for the same shows in metropolitan areas. We should all be happy we live in the middle of nowhere.) The cheapest ticket for all shows is still a whopping $26.50 and that’s for the Poison/Slaughter/Dokken/Cinderella who-really-gives-a-shit-tour. If you are looking at top shelf, look no farther than Kiss ($56) and try to sit on Gene Simmons’ side. On a recent VH1 broadcast of the opening night of Kiss’ farewell tour, fans were greeted to off-key vocals, a lackluster performance (but there were lots of cool fireworks), and at just the right angle you could see Mr. Simmons’ flabby ass cheeks sneaking out of the holes in his spandex pants. ROCK AND ROLL BABY!!!!