I can’t believe Joe hit me tonight. I should have known he was going to be in a bad mood. I didn’t have dinner on the table and he’d lost a big account this afternoon. It was snowing on his way home and he’d been stuck in traffic for an hour. He must have been really frustrated. It was just a slap, really, on my right cheek, but it left a mark. But he was yelling, too; it was awful. Thank God Jaime was playing down at Beth’s house and missed the whole scene. Still, it’s true I should’ve cooked faster; I mean, it doesn’t take me that long, and I get home so much earlier than he does …

In a 1995 Johns Hopkins survey, one in three women admitted that they had been the victims of domestic violence, either as an adult or as a child.

…He apologized right before we went to bed last night, and he was crying, almost. He never cries. I guess he was really sorry, and he said it would never happen again. Everyone makes mistakes.

According to the Pennsylvania Coalition Against Domestic Violence (PCADV), without appropriate intervention, domestic violence increases in frequency and severity over time.

It happened again. This time it was worse. I went to the hospital. It took hours for them to see me, sitting and waiting, in front of everyone. I was so ashamed. Then they told me, after the x-rays, that my nose was broken. Broken. The worst was when the nurse at the desk asked me in front of all those people if I was the victim of domestic abuse. I had to say no. I mean, what if somebody there knew Joe? If only they would’ve asked me when I was alone. Maybe I’d have said something…

Approximately 15% of all emergency department visits by women can be attributed to domestic violence. In 1992, Pennsylvania Blue Shield Institute estimated that the total medical cost of domestic violence in PA was $326.6 million dollars. That figure was more than the combined medical cost of any other type of abuse.

…I know this can change, and I know if I do things right he won’t hit me again. It’s got to be my fault. After all, he was like the least violent person I’d ever met when we were in school. Sure we had our occasional fights, but they were more like drunken spats, Joe’s testosterone and all … I was always wrong, and he was always really sorry; I know he wants it to stop as much as I do. Maybe if I just don’t piss him off about it — or anything — for awhile.

"They know that what’s happening isn’t ok … they just don’t know … how to stop it. She can’t change enough to make him different," says Dawn Marron, staff attorney, Battered Woman’s Justice Project Civil Office for the Pennsylvania Coalition Against Domestic Violence (PCADV).

I had to take off work today. I had lunch with Angela instead. She asked me about the marks on my neck. I guess I could get by with the bruising on my face, but there are marks from his fingers all over my neck — can’t explain that away. I couldn’t exactly wear a turtleneck in the middle of July…

Studies have shown that of working battered women, 50-55% missed work due to abuse and over 60% have arrived late.

…Damn Angela, I can’t take Jaime to a shelter. Joe would kill me, and it would mean I’ve given up. But last night she heard the whole thing, and she was terrified. It took me an hour to get her calmed down. But how the hell am I supposed to pack everything I own, and her stuff, too, and go off to some shelter with a bunch of people I’ve never even seen before?

According to Toni O’Brien, Director of Violence Intervention and Prevention Programs at the Harrisburg YWCA, an estimated 4,000 people will make use of their services this year. Further, only one in seven women report their abuse. Says Marron, "We’ve found that something like 50% of women report abuse at doctors. But only 14% go to shelters or access programs. That’s a national statistic, but it’s pretty startling … women need to realize that what they’re going through isn’t ok and it isn’t something that they have to tolerate."

I came really close today to filing one of those protection from abuse orders. I saw a whole story about it on Oprah, and the woman said she finally did it, and they work. But that chick was really pathetic, and I’m not nearly as bad off as she was. Plus, I don’t even know where to start, and I can’t take money out of the checking account for a lawyer, Joe would find out immediately.

You do not need an attorney to obtain a Protection From Abuse order (PFA) — a binding civil court order prohibiting the actions of the abuser — in Pennsylvania.

I read an article in the paper today. Some woman was beaten to a pulp and was so lifeless that her husband threw her body into the trunk of his car and headed to the Susquehanna to toss her in, like she was nothing. Like he could just throw her in and watch her sink. Anyway he got a flat — amazing — and when the cops pulled over to help him, they found her in the trunk, still alive. I think she’s the lucky one. I’d trade my degree in marketing just to be free of all this. Thank God I know it’s never going to get that bad for me.

"You’re going to end up in a body bag." According to one source, is one of the only phrases that gets through to the women. Death is the biggest fear …
and sometimes — on the part of the prosecution and domestic violence services — the best playing card is the cold, hard truth.

I’m starting to feel helpless, and I called Mom today but she doesn’t get it.
I don’t think she believes me. I almost told her the real reason we’re remodeling the bathroom is because he smashed my head against the wall so hard he shattered the tiles — but I held back at the last second. She actually said, "I’m sure your problems aren’t that big that you can’t work them out." She said that I should be thinking about Jaime and what it would be like for her to be growing up without a normal family. Normal. Right. But Mom and Dad have been married for 40 years. She actually said they’d had some bad times in the past, but she was glad now she’d toughed it out …I think I’m going to have to quit my job before they fire me for missing too many days. Maybe then he’ll feel better, because then I can spend more time cleaning the house and doing the things for him he wants me to do. And I can take care of Jaime …like Mom did with us …

According to many advocates in the domestic violence field, familial pressures are a great source of added stress on the battered woman. Says Marron, "Women have a lot of pressures on them to stay married. They have their children to think about, they have religious reasons, they have their families telling them, they have their moms saying, ‘I was in abusive relationship, too, and I stayed married, what’s wrong with you?’ Even though the laws have changed and the support systems have changed and things have advanced farther beyond what there mothers could conceive of …maybe that’s still the message they’re being told." In addition, it’s been discovered that an estimated 24% – 30% of battered women will lose their jobs as a result of the abuse.

Okay, should I go, or should I stay? I tried to make those lists today, pros on one side, cons on the other. My marriage has become a sham, a nightmare. Let’s face it, over time Joe has turned into a violent bastard who makes me feel like dirt. But how can I leave what we have? The house? We have been together for so long that I can’t imagine my world without him. Then there’s the other side. It’s like a list of injuries. Cuts, bruises, burns, scars, one less tooth, and then the broken bones. But all I have to do is pick up the photo album and I remember how it used to be when things were good. And then sometimes I’m so confused. I …I …I just don’t know.

Says Marron, "There are a billion people on this planet and to say that this is the only partner you ever get, that’s not right, that just doesn’t make sense. But I think people do make choices based on the situations that they’re in and if getting married was the only thing that their parents ever encouraged them to do and it was the only thing that they ever succeeded at in life then it’s really hard to leave that — and perhaps this is somebody who has been good to them in the past, perhaps this is somebody who has the economic means to keep her supported and she doesn’t. It’s a tough thing."

I have no idea if I can make it work, financially, if I leave. Anyway, where would I move? No one’s going to support me in this; all our friends around here were his friends from Penn State. No one will ever believe this wasn’t my fault.

I was reading this book on domestic violence (I had to hide it under my socks in the dresser because if he ever saw it … ) and it says that the kind of guy who does this stuff has low self-esteem, and feels better after he makes me … I mean his victim … feel worse. It says if you show the guy how you feel, he only gets worse …that he thrives on the power and control …

So what am I holding on to?

I finally broke down and called one of those hotlines. It did help. But even so I’m not sure I can do this … they say the PFAs only last a year and then you have to renew them. But before I even do that I have to make sure I really want him gone. Because if I do file, then he’ll never come back … he’ll be so mad … involving the police? He’s never even had a traffic violation …

I was flipping through the channels and I stopped on this talk show. They were talking statistics, how many women are battered, and why. These pretty people in power suits, like the ones I used to wear before I quit my job at the radio station … are all sitting in front of a camera talking statistics, painting this clever picture of the "average" abuser and the "typical" abused woman. This description didn’t fit me, Most Likely To Succeed in my graduating class … I guess the joke’s on me … but I was so angry, I felt like breaking something myself …

I remember when I thought my job at the station was just a starting point. Now it looks like that was the high point …

Just as there is no stereotypical victim, there is no stereotypical batterer. Both cross all racial, economic, and religious boundaries. Victims range from contented stay-at-home mothers to professors with doctoral degrees.

I’m really scared. Tonight after I dropped the bag of groceries that had the eggs in it he pushed me down the stairs and started yelling about how he knows I’ve been calling Steve even though I haven’t talked to Steve in five years, I swear, since before Jaime was born, and I don’t know what he’s talking about … and then he was kicking me, actually kicking me, and I think I might have a broken rib … and then he took off, and I’m not sure where he is now … I hope he’s alright …and he was threatening me, too, the whole time, and said if I told someone he’d kill me …

In 1995, the Federal Bureau of Investigations released statistics showing that among all female homicide victims, 26% were killed by husbands or former boyfriends.

I want to leave. I’ve come to that point where I don’t care about my clothes, I don’t care about my jewelry. I don’t care about my goddamn minivan and I don’t care about this house. I just want to be free. I think I’m going to leave tonight. I’m going to pack what I need for the two of us, Jaime and me, take as much cash as I can, and find a hotel …but what if he finds me? What if that makes it worse?

Is getting out better? Of course. But leaving an abusive relationship can almost be as dangerous as staying. According to Deb Curcillo, Dauphin County Assistant DA, a majority of incidents occur when the women try to break free. "That’s when the violence tends to escalate … when they [the abusers] realize they are going to lose that power and control."

You know, so what if he kills me … it’s come to that point … I think I’d rather be dead … I am so goddamn tired and I can’t lie to one more person or make up one more excuse… if people only knew what was happening to me … but it’s good they don’t because some mornings it takes all I have just to get out of bed … I’m tired of seeing people stare and whisper at the grocery store or the bank …

I can see a pattern forming … he’s angry … he hits me … he’s sorry … and every time he promises that that was the last time…

… and every time a little part of my heart hopes he’s telling the truth …

…I’m so ashamed …what’s happened to my life?

In a majority of abusive relationships, there is a definite cycle of abuse: tension, followed by a beating, followed by an apology.

Does asking for help mean I’m no longer able to help myself…

I think I’m going crazy … tonight Jaime was outside wandering down the street
and I didn’t even know she was out of the
house…

And the neighbors were staring at me when I went running down the street after her, screaming …

I actually went to a shelter after that, but after I checked in and talked to the counselor, I took one look at Jaime, and I packed our stuff back into the bags and came
back…

According to O’Brien, "A woman will attempt to leave fifteen times before she officially does."

Tonight I called the police. He had dragged me down the hallway by the hair and he was screaming at me and Jaime was crying and standing in the doorway to her room and holding her blanket and I can see all this like it was on a video … the police say I have to press charges, and this one cop urged me to go to the shelter … but I don’t want to go to court … I just wanted it all to stop …

The legal system is a very confusing process, one that can both be a savior and a burden to the victim. With hearings often being backed up "two, three, four, six months at a time," according to O’Brien, there is no wonder that women become more and more hesitant as their court date approaches, a problem that DA Curcillo faces on a frequent basis. "I think it’s very difficult for them to want to hold them [the abusers] accountable," says Curcillo — and yet, in complying with the legal system, the woman must attend the hearing, "regardless of whether she wants to cooperate or not."

Who knew that pressing charges would be so humiliating. At least he’s out of the house, now, but I think I miss him, and it’s soooo quiet now. Christmas is nine days away, and Jaime keeps asking where Daddy is … I ran into Steve at the K-mart and he looked at me really strange and finally told me he’d heard I’d gone really weird …and the rumor is I’ve been having an affair … and that’s why I kicked Joe out … I haven’t talked to Mom in three weeks and she hasn’t even called me about Christmas … It will be a blessing if I can even get Jaime’s stuff wrapped because Monday I have an appointment with an attorney … like I can really afford that … on Tuesday it’s the shrink and Wednesday I have to check in with the District Attorney’s Office … Is this really worth it? I’m beginning to wonder. Maybe I should just forget the whole thing … I’m terrified of going into court anyway … how could I possibly testify with him sitting there … and, then, everyone will know …and what if he flashes that smile that I’ve loved for so long, will I still see him as the monster he is or the man I once loved?

Says Marron, "There are a lot of different systems that we send women into: we’ve got the criminal system, we’ve got the civil system, we’ve got the government welfare social system. So they are often taking in a lot of different things at the same time … so it can get really difficult and I think that it’s important when they go into the system to be understanding of how they work and sometimes I think women go into the systems not understanding that it won’t be a quick end and it will take time …" And there’s always the shame factor that keeps women silent. According to Curcillo, many women are hesitant if the case goes to trial because they don’t want to admit that domestic violence actually happened to them … especially, as Curcillo says, when she must admit it "to 14 strangers on a jury."

Well, it’s been a whole year now, and not a peep out of Joe. Finally. It’s not worth the time and effort to renew my Protection Order. Jaime and I are doing so well, and it feels so great to be back at work, finally. Even though this sales job isn’t quite what I had in mind, I’ve kept at it for over two months. I’m so glad things are back to a "normal" level. I can’t stand the thought of ever going back to court — it was so draining, and painful, it almost killed me. But, I think Jaime and I are finally going to be alright.

It’s not at all unusual for a victim to let a PFA expire, as the burden is on her to re-do paperwork and revisit the courts. There is currently legislation awaiting Governor Ridge’s signature that would extend the term of a PFA in Pennsylvania from one year to 18 months. But will that really solve the problem? Is it enough?

Thirteen days after the expiration of the Protection From Abuse order, Jaime found her mother at the bottom of her basement stairs. Her neck was broken. No evidence of a break-in or struggle was found.

Joe, Jaime’s father, has not been in contact with her since 1999, and family members reportedly also haven’t heard from him.

Jaime is currently residing with her grandmother and grandfather — her mother’s parents. They report that she is doing well at school and seems settled.

Nearly a decade ago, it was estimated that there were some three times as many animal shelters as there were shelters for abused women. Estimates predict that this year over three million women will find themselves victims of domestic violence. During last year alone, Pennsylvania newspapers reported that 129 lives were claimed as a result of domestic assault — 64 of those dead were women killed by beatings, shootings, stabbings, and strangulation at the hands of an intimate partner. Just days ago, a woman driver was pushed into the path of an oncoming train by an estranged boyfriend — after the duration of her PFA expired. One more victim dead. The Associated Press quoted a distraught neighbor as saying, " … eventually that is going to catch up with you. Sometimes, it’s impossible to save someone from themselves."

Who killed Jaime’s mother?

The abuser?

The victim’s own poor choices?

The "System"?

All of the above?