December 31, 1999. 11:00 PM: Party like it’s the end of the world.

January 1, 2000. Noonish: The end of the world arrives. Run amok.

Even though the world and all its electronic organization will go kaput this New Year, there’s no reason why the entrepreneur can’t capitalize off of others’ misfortune. Our aristocratic society will become an apocalyptic ruin just hours after the millennium countdown, but we must keep alive the spirit of free enterprise. This is the same spirit that began long ago in the fair-and-square dealings with Native American tribes; the same one found in the honor and courtesy of the Oklahoma Sooner; and the spirit that fuels the sense of equality in Don King. Even in the aftermath of the Y2K cataclysm, we must keep the American opportunist active within us all! Our way of life must go on!

Once all computer-based systems undo centuries of civilization, we are going to have a new system of government. Everything from law enforcement to energy production will regress into an anarchist order, suburban landscapes will decompose into forsaken, post-nuclear devastation, and what will you do? Go shopping, of course! Didn’t get a gift for Christmas? Well, Christmas comes twice this year! "Looting" will be all the rage in our new Mad Max-ian society and it’s your style of looting that will determine your survivability, but more importantly, it will show others your prowess and easily establish your rightful place in the new hierarchical, wolf-pack society. There are many ways to become the best looter you can be and here is a guide for those of you who are a bit shy at pillaging someone else’s livelihood:

First things first: know where to keep all of this looted booty you’ll be hoarding. A stronghold-type of structure with only one, highly secure, triple-bolted, booby-trapped entrance is best. Think of a separated garage, finished basement or, better yet, a bomb shelter to be your private pantry of piracy. Be tenacious about securing your well-earned wares. After all, there will be other looters roaming the same firebombed streets that won’t have your ethics and will have the gall to loot from you instead of a more appropriate place like a department store.

Now that you have a storage space, you will have to plan your first loot. Just like any good shopping expedition, a plotted route is essential. You’ll want to avoid the peak nighttime looting hours and those amateur, last-minute looters, so plan on a daytime loot. Plot the itinerary of shops that you want to visit by considering a few criteria: type of appliances, proximity to your stockpile, and obstacles.

Since currency will have no worth, focus on appliances and wares that will have a good trade value. Warm clothing, furs, jewelry, sturdy footwear, food, cooking utensils, bicycles, and weapons will be excellent bartering tools in the decimated, Orwellian wastelands that will replace Central Pennsylvanian towns. You’ll also want to target stores that will offer the most gratification. A gross of pencils might seem rewarding at first, but quickly loses its luster. A sense of satisfaction with yourself is priceless. Loot for you.

If you’re looting on foot, the proximity of these shops should be within 5-10 minutes walking time from your stockpile. That will help waylay looter fatigue and lessen the chances of getting caught by do-gooders. If using a vehicle, it makes more sense to drive out to the furthest targeted shop and work your way back.

Regardless of transportation, though, a good, thorough plunder will require several dry runs. Synchronization, choreography, and efficiency are gotten only with three things: Practice, practice, practice!

Obstacles that may hinder a more pleasant loot are security systems like fences, armed storeowners, and Dobermans. The ideal store would be a one-stop shop like those superstores. The electronic security that they rely on will be instantly disabled in the first minute of the year 2000 and will pose no deterrent. But if you’re looting for a family and not just yourself, you’ll get more per looting at the bulk warehouses than at your local shops.
Even without an economy, the looter must be economy-minded.

Speaking of families, a successful loot will bring the whole family together in a great spirit of teamwork and camaraderie. Involve every member of the household. Make a day of it! Employing the women and children into the atypical role of hunter-gatherer will broaden their horizons. In fact, since the average looter is an adult male, there is a gaping market for the female and child looter. Lingerie stores, toy stores, body shops, candy kiosks, pet stores, and countless department store clearance racks were hardly touched in recent domestic uprisings. Females and children also bring less suspicion upon themselves for committing an aggressive act like looting. Make every loot a family event.

It’s very important to give the whole clan a nice pep talk before every loot to instill in them more confidence. Your teenagers will especially need support in these awkward years when they are already competing with the world. Give your teens a safe, but important looting assignment to build their self-respect. A looter must still raise a healthy family.

Okay, you’ve got your great looting plan. Now it’s time to become a great looter! It’s the novice looter who discovers just how tiresome looting is … even on the first haul. Just as the athlete trains for the big track meet, so, too, should the looter train for the "Big Loot."

Many of the exercises guaranteed to refine your looting dexterity can be performed right at home. For strength and increased capacity, try carrying every article of clothing that you own all at once and walk up and down the stairs for five minutes. For stealth, hoist a box of silverware and glassware over your head and run back and forth across the backyard making as little sound as possible. For balance, carry a dozen eggs, out of the carton, while walking across the top of your wooden fence. Don’t have a wooden fence? Loot at the lumber yard; get the treated stuff.

In addition to the honed body, the looter must have an equally keen mind. If the looter encounters something unexpected, the mind must not lock up and cost him physical harm or even worse — lost loot. Have backup procedures. What will you do when the storeowner has you in his crosshairs? What if another looter claims a store and demands that you leave? What do you do when you have looted a defective product? Is there a law to protect the looting consumer? Know your rights! Be creative in solving problems. If there happens to still be a remnant of a police force or the National Guard patrolling the streets, loot the local military surplus, put together a believable uniform, and blend yourself right into the patrol. Rehearse any feasible scenario before you’re forced to react. Think ahead.

Now that you’ve connected with your inner looter, you will have to look the part. Although the movies told you that the burglar wears striped shirts, black gloves and a mask, wear whatever helps you to feel good about the kind of looter you are. Self-image is so important these days.

The Sensible Looter would wear outfits with tight-fitting, but manageable, materials like lycra and spandex to prevent snagging on toppled clothes racks or being easily grabbed by good Samaritans.

The Bold Looter will walk out of his house whenever he wants something and will wear whichever outfit he happens have on. While brave, it’s not very wise and is not recommended for the novice looter.

The Crazy Looter will dress to purposely give the impression of insanity and cause others to give a wide berth. This is especially effective at keeping other looters, storeowners, and even guard dogs at a distance. A nice ensemble that says, "Leave me alone!" is a chef’s hat, Tammy Fay Baker-type of make-up, blood-stained scrubs, and a 10-inch knife [fake knife — we’re not really crazy]. Other things that will reek of dementia: feathered boas, drooling, quoting lines from Silence of the Lambs, and nudity. Have fun with it!

Regardless of your choice of apparel, some things are definitely necessary. High-top basketball sneakers are essential for any loot. They should have nothing that can be seen at night like a light or reflective material. That’s just so ’80s! You will need gloves, too. The standard industrial glove with rubber or leather palms will do fine. An optional accessory is a bandana over the face for anonymity. Looters and rebels the world over have sworn by this look and it might be for you if you’d like to have the outlaw persona. Set your looting garb out the night before. A good looter is a time-saver.

That is about all of the basic knowledge that you’ll need to have a successful loot. The more specific looter things you will have to learn about as you go. Remember: you’re out there to satisfy the greedy pig inside you, but you don’t have to be a pig on the outside.

And by the way, if we don’t see you , have a good afternoon, a good evening, and a great Armageddon!