Depending on what company or organization you visit, you can hear a lot about Tom Peters, Edwards Deming, Stephen Covey, Denis Waitley, and others. Certainly their insights can be useful. But the management guru who has the greatest following by far — at least based on the number of items that are tacked to the walls and bulletin boards of office cubicles — is Dogbert, whose wisdom is brought to us by cartoonist Scott Adams.

In Dogbert’s Management Handbook, Adams distills much of what Dogbert knows about “Acting Like a Manager,” “Motivating Employees,” “Communicating,” “Success Strategies,” “Compensation,” “Getting Rid of Employees,” and “How to be a Happy Manager.” There’s also a generous helping of the famous Dilbert cartoon strips to illustrate Dogbert’s management philosophy and practices.

The fact that this book can be read quickly does not detract from its usefulness. The fact that much of it will make you laugh out loud does not deny its truth. The fact that if you don’t laugh you are likely to cry speaks volumes about management of people in the United States today.

Dogbert knows, for instance, that those who manage actually have very little to do. But they need to look busy, lest someone think they’re not needed. So he lists a number of “managerish” things that can be done to make one look like a capable executive — rename the department, require status reports, put staff through teamwork exercises, relocate everyone’s office, require writing of mission statements, make random organizational changes, make view graphs, micromanage.

Sound like any place you know? Are you laughing or are you crying?

Or how’s this for candor? “It’s not a good idea to refer to the dolts who report to you as dolts. It makes them more dangerous than they already are. Although it can be very entertaining to rile them up, it’s not recommended. As a manager you have to learn to be more diplomatic. Use the more acceptable term resources. It means the same thing as dolt but for some reason doesn’t get the same reaction.” Anyone been involved in human resources lately or been told to effectively manage the resources in your charge? Can you say dehumanizing?

Because much of my experience is in communications, I was particularly drawn to Dogert’s views on that subject. I’ve met more than my share of managers who already know one of his key recommendations — “Give verbal instructions, not written, whenever you think you might want to deny that you were involved in a decision. If an employee later tries to implicate you, just look at him as if he must be insane. If you continue this practice consistently, the employee will actually become insane, thus covering your trail completely, not to mention making downsizing a breeze.”

He does warn, however, of the potential downside risk to driving employees insane and gives four signs of dangerous employee insanity to watch out for: appears pleased to get constructive criticism, acts as though career advancement is a possibility, irrational love of microwaved popcorn, and uses the word “proactive” in casual conversation.

Dogbert sees the employee newsletter as a good way to communicate with those who whine that they don’t have enough information. “The newsletter is an effective way to fill the communication gap without imparting any information,” he reminds us. “Remember, nothing can be more demotivating than the truth, so try to fill their brains with other stuff.” He cites an example of a question and answer column in a corporate newsletter in which an employee worried sick about the possibility of layoffs writes, “I noticed that profits are down 70 percent. Is the company considering layoffs?” To which management would respond (in what Dogbert terms the correct (motivating) response, “We care about the employees. Layoffs are the last thing we want to do. All other options will be explored before we even consider layoffs.” Of course, Dogbert says, the incorrect (de-motivating) answer to the question would be, “Duhhh!”

For those who don’t like to give even verbal instructions, Dogbert recommends using ESP to send messages. As he notes, “As a manager, it is sufficient to ‘think’ what you want and wait for your employees to implement it. Some employees will whine that they cannot pick up on your thought waves. But logically, if you’re sending the thought waves and the employees aren’t receiving them, the problem is on their end. Document their communication failures so you can refer to them during the next performance review cycle.”

Recognizing that no one book can cover every possible management contingency, Dogbert concludes by giving us his 10 Rules of Management that should help cover just about any situation:

1. You’re always right, even when you’re stupid.

2. The physical laws of time and space were meant to be broken.

3. The problem is not a lack of resources, it’s a lack of meetings.

4. When in doubt, ask for status reports.

5. If you’re talking, you’re communicating.

6. Low morale is caused by character flaws in your employees.

7. If 10 people can complete a project in 10 days, then one person can complete the project in   one day.

8. Teamwork is when other people do your work for you.

9. Employee illness is a manifestation of laziness.

10. Abuse is a form of recognition. And recognition is what every employee wants.