At least once in every man’s life comes a time when his world starts to dwindle. The hair that was once on his head is now on his ass…the beer that he loved becomes bitter and goes straight to his gut instead of by-passing his blood stream…his wife gets fat and BIG BROTHER hikes up the taxes on those stale cigarettes. Not to mention that all five of his children are now teenage hellions that run rampant through the house so at no time of day can he get lick of sleep or watch those porno flicks he borrowed from his buddy. Life generally sucks and there seems to be no hope of change coming to his dreary, grinding existence.

But, there is hope even for fat, smelly, bald, overly hairy, tobacco stained alcohol stenching slobs with cracked red eyes who need something private and inconspicuous to float their boats. That’s right, I’m talking about voyeurism. Not the Peeping Tom kind of voyeurism, but the “plant your butt in a public place and watch the show” kind of voyeurism more commonly known as people-watching. And Harrisburg’s just loaded with great places to take in the ambulatory sights. How do I know? Well, no, I am NOT one of those forlorn slobs described above, how dare you suggest such a thing? Don’t get mad at me just because you happen to be one. But, hey, brother, I was there once and I’ve got the skinny on what really matters…the top places to people-watch in Harrisburg.

Take a walk downtown one day and look at all the happy people. Then, try the State Library. Yeah, I know that reading gives you hives, but just pretend alright. Pick up a book, right side up, of course, and peer over the top of it. I like to sit on one of the top levels where I can see down into the lower stacks. Sometimes you can even catch two (or more) people making out where they thought no one could see them. Quite stimulating, really. You may even learn something from all those books through osmosis or something.

Okay, you’re asking me why you should watch people when you got satellite t.v., right? Well, because, my fellow patriot, your wife watches soaps which is her window in on reality. Voyeurism…uh, people watching is the ALL-AMERICAN pastime. Besides, what else do you need when you have people watching? You get action, love, violence, cops, robbers, and above all else, if you sit in the place long enough, a big beautiful busty blond woman dressed in a short skirt and tight shirt might just walk by… God, I love this country!

Okay, so we’ve established that the State Library is a great place to watch people. The next place you can mosey on to is…damn! What the hell is the name of that fruity mall downtown, oh yeah Strawberry something or another. During lunch you can sit just about anywhere to get your fill of eye candy. What a great place! It has so many little spots to set your wide load down, swig back your black coffee and wait it was seemingly designed with people like you in mind.

So, is this catching your attention? Is it getting you out of you’re your broken-in Lazy Boy? Well, good! It should! People watching is a good form of exercise cause it keeps you moving…from seat to seat anyway.

There are few minor details, kind of unspoken rules if you will, if you want to join in our reindeer games. First, to watch, you must accept being watched. That’s correct. Other people retain the constitutional right to look at and perhaps even scrutinize your foul, beautiful self. Second, don’t stay in one place too long, people will start to wonder and then the jig will be up. And, for the same reason as the last rule, don’t sit in the same spot every day at the same time, people will start to talk.

Speaking of The Spot, you know that great hot-dog joint down on Walnut Street? Now there’s an indisputable prime time, fill-your-senses-to-overload watching hot spot. Pretty much any evening after midnight everybody and everything you can imagine rolls in there. People of all sorts of character can be found from crazies to young night clubbers, to hookers to cops, and even a few “ Normal People” who have dared to step into the lions’ den. Just sit back, preferably in a corner so that you don’t have to move your head to see everything, drink your coffee and the entertainment will be non-stop, guaranteed.

Now a few tips for your day out, wear a long black coat, a hat and dark sunglasses. Why?

Because it’s the official voyeur uniform, that’s why. Geez. Don’t you know anything? But, remember BLEND IN!

Oh, and by the way, one other thing, don’t stare. If you do, people will start to catch on and you’ll ruin it for the rest of us. This past time is a privilege, so don’t abuse it. If you do we’ll know, just remember one of the unspoken rules, “to watch one must be watched”… I’ll be watching…gotta go, my trench coat is back from the cleaners.