Harrisburg's Best Places to Go...

Harrisburg’s Best Places to Go...

By Michelle Yoffee-Beard, with special analysis from Brad, Brian and Kim

Few things in this world are as necessary yet taken for granted as much as the bathroom. For most, it’s a place of sanctuary where some of our most primal, and yet most satisfying, of human actions take place. And, let’s face it, everyone uses public bathrooms at some time or another. And, since we’ve all used them, we know that some of those cans are downright nasty, but a good john is paradise. So, as a service to MODE’s readers, we were asked to search outthe best restrooms in the Harrsiburg area. This is by no means a scientific survey. The bathrooms we examined were picked initally based on one criteria…whether the establishment sold beer or not (except for the Cracker Barrel, who we judged anyway). After all, we had to have a reason to go to the bathroom, right?

Before we set out, we determined that we needed some sort of “rating system” to accurately rank our targets. We came up with the following categories to judge the restroomsrooms:

Cleaniness: Meaning, “You don’t stick to the floor, and the smell of urine doesn’t render you unconscious.”
Quantity of urinals, and toilets: The more the merrier, no one likes to wait.
Ambiance: Those little things that make the experience that much more enjoyable.
Paper towel versus Blowers: The tree-killing issue aside, the blowers suck.
Hot Water: More of a chick thing. Guys only worry about it if they got pee dripped on them, or someone else is in the room.
Cool extras: Reading material, machines of various sorts, anything that distinguishes the experience.

The TOP 5 Men’s Restrooms:

#1- Wanda’s (Inside), Mechanicsburg - Surely a clear winner. That was because the place was spotless. You did have to go up a flight of stairs that remind you of high school and you were greeted with the rather cryptic sign, “No Bottles”, but it was well worth the trip. Inside were 8 urinals and 3 toilets and the place was well lit. There were paper towels as opposed to blowers. It didn’t have any machines or reading material, but it had great ambiance. All in all, it was rated as a “Great Facility.”

#2 - Appalachian Brewing Company, Downtown Harrisburg - Excellent facility all around. Offers a nice feeling of privacy in a clean atmosphere, with plenty of today’s current events posted for reading. The kind of place that makes you want to leave it cleaner than you found it. You want to drink more beer so you can visit the place again.

3. Coakley’s. For some odd reason, the urinals were filled with ice. This was very cool (literally and figuratively) but we never quite figured out what it was for. They had music piped in with little ashtrays above the urinals for those brave enough to handle their genitals and a burning cigarette at the same time. There was a nice touch with the aspirin machine. It had paper towels, two urinals, and one toilet. Nice.

4. Scott’s. Nice bathroom. Very clean. Nice ambient lighting and plenty of plumbing to satisfy the most backed up of visitors. Extra cool was the option of reading either USA Today or The Patriot. A fine place to sit back and relax while taking a load off.

5. Luddy’s. While this men’s room wasn’t the cleanest, it scored the best on interesting machines and posters on the wall. Plenty of spare paper towels and always a short line to get in which is always a plus with the amount of beer we were consuming.

The Dis-Honorable Mention
By far the worst men’s restroom we ran into was at the Vault. Yeah, they had cool vintage rock posters and it could even be argued that the “ambiance” of the john fit the establishment. But, there was an overall sense that things might start growing on Mr. Happy from some strange airborne disease.

The TOP 5 Women’s Restrooms:

1. Lonestar Steakhouse. Forget all the criteria mentioned above. With this bathroom, nothing else matters but who you’re looking at while you’re peeing. There are posters of remarkably sexy guys everywhere. Some with shirt on and some with shirt off. We were in this bathroom a long, long time. Sure, it was clean but it wouldn’t have to be for us to go back again.

2. Cracker Barrel. This was the cleanest bathroom around. There were points scored for ambience, as it was well lit, and there was country music piped in. The clincher, however, was the awesome-smelling hand lotion beside each sink. Definitely a pleasant experience – but no beer.

3. Scotts’ Bar & Grill. The best hot water pressure in town! This is important to us women-folk. There’s not enough establishments who care enough to give us both hot water and terrific pressure. Way to go Scott! Hot water RULES! Besides that, it was impeccably clean.

4. Coakley’s. After sucking down a few Harp drafts, the bathroom at Coakley’s looked outstanding. The ambience was good and there was an aspirin machine on the wall. There were two stalls and it was really clean. The medicine, once again led us to feel that the owners “felt our pain” and went that extra mile for our comfort.

5. Zee’s. This is at the bottom of our top five list, but only because of the overwhelming bad fake cherry smell. Otherwise, there were 2 well-lit stalls, 2 sinks and an adequate supply of paper towels. There was a good amount of readable graffiti for those long bathroom visits but more than that, there was a grand total of 2 machines on the wall. How could a girl feel unwelcome when the establishment provides us with vending machines full of glow in the dark condoms and love kits.

The Dis-Honorable Mention

Stallions. Ladies, this bathroom wasn’t even fit for a drag queen. There was aluminum siding on the walls. The toilet seat was too small for the toilet and there was no toilet paper. There was a rusty sink and the water doesn’t shut off. Floor was dirty and the trash bin dirtier. The worst part of it all is that the door doesn’t shut, so the other patrons are on the honor system to maintain privacy.

We visited many other facilities, (translation: we wanted to drink more beer.) Most ranged from adequate, to disappointing. We ran into one bathroom calamity at Rumours, where our hopes were raised by seeing a paper towel dispenser, only to discover it was out of towels after we were lured into washing our hands.

That said, urinators across Central Pennsylvania, please note that even the worst facilities are better to use than someone’s doorway. And remember, no matter how you shake and dance, the last drop always hits your pants.