I am compelled to share a little secret with you. This is one you may laugh at, but believe me, it has had a lasting impression on everyone I have shared it with.

Here goes.

If you think you deserve special treatment as a shopper on the day after Thanksgiving, commonly referred to as "Black Friday" in the retail industry, think again. The people who deserve special attention are the clerks and managers who are answering your questions, ringing up your sales, and authorizing your major discounts for minor scratches and imperfections... aren’t you sly.

That’s right, just because you’re flexing your gold card in their face, doesn’t mean you should treat them with any less respect than you yourself would want in a similar situation. Please realize that Black Friday isn’t called that because it always rains on that day. It’s called Black Friday, I believe, because that’s the day the registers malfunction; that’s the day most of the flakey employees decided to quit without notice; that’s the day that customers hide behind black masks and act like unbelievable jerks. (Rumour has it that it’s also called Black Friday because that is commonly the first day of the year that a retailer’s books are finally in the "black", although it’s not nearly as melodramatic.)

So, let’s take a minute and examine the obvious. First, if you’re an avid shopper, you look for the best deals, you shop two, maybe three times a week, commonly for three or even four hours at a time. You’re a pretty sharp consumer. Well, believe me when I tell you that the clerk or manager you’re trying to persuade to give you a discount has heard "your side of the argument" before a hundred-thousand times. Think about it, you shop 12 grueling hours a week, scrounging for deals, yet they work 50 to 60 hours a week fending off "cheapies" just like you hour after hour. It’s pretty obvious you can’t win. My point... give up now and save yourself, and the poor minimum wage employee you’re blasting, a few gray hairs.

As a matter of fact, I have this sure-fire way to turn Black Friday into one of the best days for any retail employee... and it’ll cost you less than two bucks. I call it the Black Friday Dum Dum Bonus Plan.

Here’s how it works, take notes.

The day before Thanksgiving stop at the grocery or drug store and buy a bag of Dum Dum lollipops, you know, the small ones that come in pinapple and tangerine. When you venture out on Black Friday, stuff the pockets of your coat with Dum Dums. As you approach the counter of your favorite retailer, with your items in hand, (of course after waiting impatiently in line for 20 minutes,) remember that the clerk at the counter has been ringing up sales just like your’s, non-stop, for at least the amount of time you’ve been standing around soaking up the atmosphere. Now, you’re at the counter. Put your items down gently, smile, and say the following: "Boy you look like you‘re working furiously, and I must say you’re doing a great job. I don’t think I could ever work as hard as you are... would you like a lollipop?" and pull a handfull of Dum Dums out of your pocket and offer them to the clerk or clerks behind the counter. (NOTE: You’ll get a more willing response if you’re gingerly licking away on a Dum Dum of your own when you offer one to the clerk.) I will bet you that the clerk you give a lollipop to will smile back, they’ll probably say thank you, and I’m sure they’ll tell a friend or relative how nice you were, all that on what is usually the worst, most unpleasant day of the year for any retail employee.

And that, my friends, is my patented Black Friday Dum Dum Bonus Plan. I have also referred to this plan as the "Don’t kick a person when they’re down, give them a lollipop instead" plan, but people just didn’t get it. Seriously though, there are more stupid, less productive, things you can do than walking through a mall giving lollipops to worn-out, beaten-up, retail employees, but none more rewarding :-)

Peace and love this holiday season; I hope you enjoy this issue. Thanks.